McCarthy - Week One

[shar8]

MemoryAssignment1McCarthy.pdf (35.62 KB)

[ginny]

Sharon,

I love this scene. The dialogue, especially, rings true and really helps capture the atmosphere and characters. Because of the strength on this, I almost wonder if as a revision activity, it might help to write this scene out in play form. For whatever reason, I find that I'm able to even more effectively capture my characters and their interactions when I do so written in play form. The characters talk to each other more easily and figuring out what details are critical and telling in stage directions also helped me when I moved the piece back into narrative prose. Maybe worth a try for further development.

Additionally, you may be able to roll back some of the dialogue tags without your audience losing track of who is speaking (that may also become more evident if you opt to try the previous suggestion).

I so look forward to (should we get this chance) seeing this scene again as you work on it more. It's already so alive!

[moll22]

I loved your description of the game with the "apple grenades," and the insight that "our parents never minded us climbing the shed and our game, so long as we never took aim at any creatures that breathed." I think it sets up the scene well for the emotional toll of your parents' argument, as you were starting to have trouble with your own breath later in the story as you pleaded with them to stop, as if you were a referee in a game where they were aiming at each other. Describing the game was a great way to lead into the targets of the argument.

[saburcat]

Hi Sharon! This piece begins off so sweet: two siblings playing their made-up game, enjoying the hot summer day, and bringing up that nostalgia for childhood. Well, that "ideal" childhood nostalgia, I should say, since there is a dark turn here. Before we get there, however, I was swept up next to you and your brother, sitting on the shed, spearing those apples and looking for pirates in the distance. (Oh, one minor question: you mention your brother wearing a "Pirate cap" at first I thought you meant, "argh, matey" pirates but then you mention your dad was a minor league player, and you mention living in Pittsburgh, so I wondered if he was wearing a Pittsburgh Pirates baseball cap. Probably a minor detail, but I wanted to mention it.) Your imagery is strong and I could almost feel the sticky juice from the apple slide down my own arm.

"Our bare feet provided solid traction on the grey-shingled roof and the dense summer leaves an effective camouflage from our younger sister and any other 'intruders' to our imagined kingdom." This is such a great descriptive line...I can feel my own feet pushing against the sandpapery roof and I can peer through the green leaves myself. You mention here a younger sister and later that your brother is younger; I'd like to see your age a little earlier. At first I didn't think it really mattered but considering what happens, I wanted to know your age as the oldest (I go into detail why below).

When you throw the apple into the "moat," you get upset that you might have hurt a fish, yet it seemed to me that the pond was your target, so wouldn't you have thought about that before throwing the apple? Or did you not mean to land the apple IN the pond, just near it? I also love the line, "Clumps of newly-mowed grass squished between my toes and flew up, grazing the backs of my legs as I ran." It's such a small, minor thing and yet, again, I can feel the grass hitting my own calves. It just brings in that time of year so well without saying again that it's summer.

When your parents start to fight, you immediately put the cassette tape on for your sister, and that little detail shows the reader that this is not a new occurrence for you and that you know exactly what to do and what is going to happen. Again, your age here would be helpful, although really it's just going to make me feel one of two ways: if you're, let's say eight, then I'm heartbroken that at such a young age you have had to learn to deal with your parents' fights...if you're a little older, let's say twelve, then I'm still heartbroken but then I'm thinking of all the years you've been sheltering your younger siblings. It's probably not a big deal, either way, but I just feel that when a child is involved in something like this, the difference of a year or two or four can tell the reader a lot more without going into details. Also I feel like a 12 year old would say something to their parent, but an 8 year old wouldn't (just my opinion; my father terrified me as a kid so NO WAY was I going to talk back to him, LOL).

Did your mother sing that song to you when you were younger? If so, I think you could bring that in here at the end and connect your younger self with your sister...I mean, did your parents fight when you were four? Did your mother sing that to you then, to calm you down? When did you start recognizing the pattern and when did you take it upon yourself to become your siblings' protector? I think all of this could be explored if you expand this piece.

Louise