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Post by saburcat on Feb 22, 2019 19:31:00 GMT
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ginny
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Post by ginny on Feb 24, 2019 13:48:12 GMT
Of all of the great imagery and sensory detail, "her hands taloned around my shoulders" is the one I find the most effective. This is incredibly visual and tactile and emotional at the same time. Really nicely done! Right behind that is "Instead of the pointer and ring finger he had been born with, and had used to pick his nose and flip off his friends, one solid stump now nestled in their place." My reader-self gets lost in details like this. They also go a long way to developing the voice of your characters. And then the shifting of younger-self to later self and how the diction and perception changes does this even further. Awesome!
Within that paragraph, the "akin to exposing his naked self to a room of twittering classmates" takes me out of the narrative for some reason. To a current day audience, it makes sense to use this, but I also wonder if there's something "akin" that might cross the current time period but also would have been a possibility at the time of the piece. It's a really small thing I'm noting here, but it did bounce me out as a reader in a way little else did.
Keep writing! Love the voice in this piece.
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Post by lynneheins on Feb 28, 2019 15:10:33 GMT
Louise
I like how you transitioned into the second paragraph with the description of the room. Of course “wedge of a room” is so powerful and that whole paragraph so vivid. Loved the phrase “ oversized Q-tip, again a great image but makes me smile, as a writer, because it is so perfect. I so like your verbs. Intuited, taloned, transformed, suppressed etc.
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Post by saburcat on Mar 2, 2019 19:29:18 GMT
Thank you for your feedback! I have a question about the "akin to exposing his naked self to a room of twittering classmates" line...does it take you out because I use the word "twittering"? Because I'm not referring to Twitter there, I was trying to use a word for "giggling" or "laughing" that indicated kind of a mean laugh (so like, he's naked in class and the kids are laughing meanly at him). For whatever reason, in my head, "twittering" worked there...but obviously not if it brought Twitter to your mind. So I just wanted to clarify that that's what bothered you. Maybe "twittering" wasn't the "t" word I was looking for (I have a tendency to make up my own words and expect people to understand what they mean, LOL). I'll hit up a thesaurus to see if I can figure out what I need there. Again, thanks! Louise Of all of the great imagery and sensory detail, "her hands taloned around my shoulders" is the one I find the most effective. This is incredibly visual and tactile and emotional at the same time. Really nicely done! Right behind that is "Instead of the pointer and ring finger he had been born with, and had used to pick his nose and flip off his friends, one solid stump now nestled in their place." My reader-self gets lost in details like this. They also go a long way to developing the voice of your characters. And then the shifting of younger-self to later self and how the diction and perception changes does this even further. Awesome! Within that paragraph, the "akin to exposing his naked self to a room of twittering classmates" takes me out of the narrative for some reason. To a current day audience, it makes sense to use this, but I also wonder if there's something "akin" that might cross the current time period but also would have been a possibility at the time of the piece. It's a really small thing I'm noting here, but it did bounce me out as a reader in a way little else did. Keep writing! Love the voice in this piece. |
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ginny
New Member
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Post by ginny on Mar 3, 2019 0:00:16 GMT
Yup... that's what did it. My head, sadly, went there first. I absolutely get what you meant now.
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linz
New Member
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Post by linz on Mar 5, 2019 19:52:43 GMT
Louise, your description of the room, especially the door leading to the outside porch makes me want to see it. I love the way you listed all of the functions the room served over the years. The suspense is palpable. You captured your brother's upset and mother's care with the taloned verb. Great word choice to detail his hand, his loss: red, throbbing, scars, graft, raw, solid stump. I appreciate your awareness to keep your reaction minimal to not add to his pain. The unveiling of the unfortunate damages taking place in the dark room is perfect.
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