ginny
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Posts: 20
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Post by ginny on Feb 21, 2019 20:50:03 GMT
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Post by moll22 on Feb 24, 2019 20:50:22 GMT
I loved how you framed the scene with angles. The emotions of the story are sharp. “Pain and fear and anger come at me from every direction.” Those emotions become characters in the story which overwhelm and attack, in opposition to the calm, softness of your voice. Very artistic imagery in your words!
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linz
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Posts: 23
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Post by linz on Feb 26, 2019 21:36:42 GMT
The view from the upper steps through the spindles grabbed me since this was my typical perch at my cousin's house. Bedtime never interested me as a kid when the adults' evening was still in full swing in the living room below. I noticed the focus of the dangerous scene's angles, shapes, boxes, horizontal and vertical lines. And personal spaces being invaded. Your use of pronouns instead of telling who the adults are makes them less personal, more generic and gives the verbs more power, more oomph! Verbs are great, active-"slams," for instance. As a child wishing to help the others and being pulled in many directions during the fight, it gives the idea of the family dynamic in the face of violence. I love the notion of the glue buffering the onslaught of abuse. The final part of the scene, is terrifying and open-ended. The reader imagines the worst possible scenario.
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Post by lynneheins on Feb 28, 2019 15:13:46 GMT
An incredible beginning that really works( I have heard some say don’t start with description) But, it is perfect for your character’s “hiding place” and setting. I like that you used the pronouns he and she. In mot sure what it describes for me- a sense of detachment, powerlessness of a child? Of course, the “angles” references sprinkled through are poignant, sometimes concrete in the description, other times referring to yourself or situation. Of course, back to the steps and angles at the end. Terrific! Lines I loved, “He removes space around her, 2 flavor Slurpee, giant Smurf headphones. I’ve read repletion can be powerful and yours is with “Perhaps he Perhaps” he on page 2. Then you’ve got that running reference to your condition; “sticky”, suspended stick feel” Glued, in my glue. You leave the reader space for inf
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maura
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Posts: 19
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Post by maura on Mar 1, 2019 2:25:19 GMT
This is really powerful on both a visual and visceral level. The geometric details are a great vantage point for a scared child. It creates a sort of emotional labyrinth and expresses distress well. I can relate to focusing on physical details when under distress. "If only I had answers like those books." is beautiful. The action in the scene pulls us into reality harshly and is an effective contrast to the narrator's musings.
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Post by saburcat on Mar 2, 2019 19:10:03 GMT
Hello, Ginny! So this is completely heartbreaking, but you write it so well. The theme of angles and geometric shapes is handled delicately, without seeming overdone. The little things, "the recliner she sits in makes a square below the rectangle of the window on the rectangle of the wall. He has her boxed in. He removes spaces from around her. As his volume increases, her size decreases." I can SEE these geometric patterns and even the people seem angular. I like the small details that tell us a lot, like his "welder's hands," (he's a laborer, in a hot, hard job).
You bring in the sticky feeling and on page two you use the word "glue," and I think you could bring this in the first time you mention the sticky feeling...you do mention glue the second time you talk about the stickiness, so I think you need to be careful how much you use it, but the first time you say, "I feel sticky, warm, and afraid," I didn't immediately think sticky as in glue. But I think that this stickiness is like glue (and not like the stickiness of a Slurpee) is important throughout the piece.
The section where you're yelling at him and yet not looking at him; you're looking at him through the floor-to-ceiling mirror...I got a little lost in this and how you were seeing him. After a few rereads I think I got it, but I think you could revise some of that section to kind of clear up how you're looking at him (or not looking at him, I guess). I mean, COULD you see him in the room without the mirror, and you're just using the mirror because you can't bare to look at him directly? Or is he standing somewhere in the room where you can only see him by way of the mirror? I like using the mirror because it expands on the angles and geometric feel to the piece. In rereading too, I'm wondering if you should bring that mirror in sooner...since it's an entire wall, it's hard to ignore, and maybe that adds to the confusion of angles and bodies. Your brother kind of came out of nowhere for me...at first it was just your parents...where is he in relation to you, to your parents? Also, about what age are you here? I'm not sure if this is a personal quirk of mine, but I find I like to know the about-age of the narrator in things. It helps me understand them better.
Louise
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ginny
New Member
Posts: 20
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Post by ginny on Mar 2, 2019 23:58:28 GMT
Thank you for the feedback, everyone! Very helpful!
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