Sepela_Week1

[linz]

richmond.docx (21.45 KB)

[ginny]

Lindsay,

Loving this scene. I was thinking that perhaps in the intro, leading with "I felt barely alive until the daffodils bloomed" might up the reader engagement right from the beginning. I LOVE that line. From there, give us the comparison between when they'd bloom in NEPA vs. when they'd bloom in Virginia, and then perhaps tell us 'So, when my brother invited me to try life below the Mason-Dixon line, where the coats were already stashed in closets, I left behind barely alive.' Just a suggestion-- and I apologize if the ideas rewritten in any feels like I'm overstepping.

Another thing I wondered was whether this would come even more alive if written in present tense. At the least (at least for me), sometimes doing this as a revision exercise helps me to discover new details or new ways to describe details. Something about letting yourself fall into a time and place as though it was the present that makes accessing the info easier.

Keep going! Great writing.

[moll22]

I love how you described the smells of the festival, because what is a summer festival without food? I think music really enhances our memory of an event from years ago, so I loved that you recaptured the spirit of the festival with buying a record from it, almost as if you were dancing to both recapture the fun and also to get through the memories of the fatal news story that day. Good end to the scene!

[lynneheins]

You followed the prompt exactly.  I did not.  You went for the  "period" in your life.  Great! I just couldn't get a handle on a specific period.  Moving to a new big city is an exciting experience.  You have tackled writing about a number of tourist sites.  In a message to Vicki I've asked her if the writer can make up sensory details to describe their experience if not remembered and make it  logical.  Like could you have described the Faberge eggs, even if you don't remember them specifically?   I love the part when you stood  on the folding chair and started to dance in place. I really could picture that.  

Lynne

[saburcat]

Hello, Lindsay! I enjoyed reading this and learning about Richmond, VA. There are so many different ways you can take this; you can write separate pieces building up a set of Richmond essays, or you could expand this and have different sections that address what you touch on in here, and then roll it all together between your arrival in the beginning and your eventual departure (I'm assuming you don't still live there, although I don't know why I'm assuming that). So I feel like you have all these different aspects of Richmond you can expand on greater in their own sections: literary (you saw Jerzy Kosiniski...I'm so jealous!), various museums, music/June Jubilee, food, their Confederate pride, crime, the weather differences between it and NEPA. The crime part I expected more about because of the line, "It was just the first of several unsettling, fatal developments I'd witness on the news," but you don't mention crime again. But I think this reads as more of an overall experience of Richmond, little bits and pieces that immediately come to mind when you think about your time there. Every section, as I mentioned, could be it's own piece. You could either compare some of these things to NEPA, or just relate them to your own growth and change at the time. Or maybe there's another theme you could use as a core to wrap these things around. You've got some great imagery (how did you stand on that folding chair?!? I'm terrified of folding chairs, LOL), like "the earthy scent of the country," and the "stained contemporary house."

I'd love to see a little vignette of you at the Carytown Cafe, enjoying that coffee and croissant while on the sidewalk reading the newspaper...

You really bring out aspects of Richmond I wouldn't have considered before, although I'd also like to see how you felt about this place where you lived for however long you were there (or are you still there?)

Louise

[linz]

Thank you all for the helpful comments! Louise, I found Richmond a real eye-opener, lively and youthful compared to NEPA! I lived there in the 80's for a while. Now I live in Mountain Top:)