Rance_Week 4

[moll22]

Rance_Week 4.docx (122.91 KB)

[ginny]

Mollie,

Thanks for sharing. A few thoughts:

You likely could start the intro with the dialogue. The first sentence's reflection is implied in the subsequent lines.
The reflections from the more recent past really give me a sense of the thought journey you've been on.
I crave more from this story-- particularly the 'after' one you've let your sister know you knew about the deployment. It feels like the scene telling the parents is needed (at least, I think that's the scene here I crave).
You have a talent for capturing natural dialogue and dialogue tags that really capture what's happening amidst the speaking.

[Vicki Mayk]

You have brought in the “voice of experience” very well in this revision. You are clear about what your concerns are about your sister’s deployment and you are also quite clear about what it means in the context of your family. This phrase is excellent: “Neither could the fears of what the war may do to the fragile dynamics within our family.” It clearly conveys your insights about the issues that the deployment raised for you. The line about the fact that you should have been looking for Al-Anon support groups was very insightful and shows exactly the right perspective of looking back and seeing something clearly.

I can see a theme of your sister providing stability for you in your family -- it seems perhaps more stability than your parents sometimes did. That scene where you couldn’t find her at school hints at that. Are there other scenes you could add that reflect how she was a stable force for you? For that matter, just a scene that reflects your relationship with her would be great. Also – clarify your age difference. I’m unsure how much older she is.

[saburcat]

Mollie,

I love what you added about the family dynamics, even as I'm saddened by them. But you show that even with your father's addiction, your family was determined to be there for him (even if your sister was less supportive than your mother). But I also know this piece isn't about him, it's about the thin threads that hold families together and how something like your sister's deployment can snip those threads in an instant. You show me in this version why her deployment scared you so much (in the first version, I didn't get the FEELING as well as I did in this piece...I just figured it was a typical fear for anyone with a family member facing deployment; the details you add here show me more about your struggles).

You have quite a few lines in here that really, really struck me, but my two favorites:

"As a kid, I listened as he gurgled mouthwash to try to mask the scent of stale beer—and the shame of addiction—before facing my mother." - The "and the shame of addiction" hits SO hard there! It's so true...the things our loved ones do to hide their shame, even when everyone knows what's going on. But it also shows your father had the desire to try and keep his struggles a secret...for me, that shows me he doesn't want his loved ones to suffer for his addiction.

And then,

"Are those the groups for people who carry the anticipation of grief, of a family coming unglued?" - What a powerful line! The "anticipation of grief," and "of a family coming unglued." It really shows how you see your sister as that glue. It also shows that difficult feeling of the "anticipation of grief" that scary, difficult-to-explain feeling of impending doom.

Louise