maura
New Member
Posts: 19
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Post by maura on Mar 10, 2019 3:56:07 GMT
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Post by lynneheins on Mar 12, 2019 21:38:05 GMT
Maura, How sensitive we all are to a bully! Friends are so important! I would have liked a tiny bit more setting in the beginning. I got porch and cement and neighborhood. However, your emphasis is people, their relationships and your feelings. I don’t know if a tad more setting is needed On page 2, second paragraph, “NICOLE HAD Been”. I got a little mixed up with Nicole and Amber and had to re-read. I believe if I had been reading aloud I wouldn’t have had this problem. I see why you have that incident about Sarah, Mr. N., and Jaclyn. I wonder if there is an abbreviated way to get that across? Again, I might have gotten too focused on the names. Your concluding sentence “Yet, I kept checking out…” pulls it all together. Oh, how we hang onto those bullying incidents from our past! Very sensitive writing!
Lynne
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Post by Vicki Mayk on Mar 14, 2019 1:44:46 GMT
I think this could be a great piece with some work in revision. As I said when I emailed my comments, your opening sentence is very strong. However, the way the information is presented \ seems a little out of order and slows a reader down too much. I think that's why Lynne noted she got a bit confused. It takes too long to learn what Nicole’s relationship is to you. Consider moving up the detail about “My former best friend Nicole” and being in Girl Scouts together. You could then make the statement “I don’t know what she wanted after making fun of me with Amber like that today.” – and go on to describe the scene with Amber. Then you can circle back to Nicole coming up the steps and what comes after.
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Post by saburcat on Mar 28, 2019 17:01:39 GMT
Maura,
You've written about your parents before, but this one truly shocked me. I really, REALLY, didn't see that coming. I figured this was a normal kid-on-kid interaction and you'd be punished, so when your father hit you and then they started kicking, I was truly horrified. And as horrific as the scene is, you write it very well. I get no forewarning that your parents are abusive (in this piece), and so when they come at you it's very disturbing. So...well done, I guess? Lol. It's always a little difficult for me to word things correctly when working with such heartbreaking material.
I love the line, "as if sheer passivity could manifest protection, although the effect was often the opposite." I know that feeling exactly, as well as the feeling you mention a little earlier about ignoring something mad it go away. It's still something I struggle with. I'm not sure of your age in this piece, I'm thinking 11-14ish? I know you mention fifth and sixth grades, but unless I look it up I have no idea how old we were in those grades, lol. But I can feel your frustration at being the target of so much bullying, and of having no one come to your side. I think you also did a good job of portraying Amber...although I do feel sorry for the girl. Obviously she had some bad things going on in her life as well, and unfortunately we seem to enjoy making fun of others to make our own terrible lives a little more bearable. And that you didn't "intend" for Nicole to be the victim...although it seems like this was a total on-the-spot freak out, so you didn't "intend" to hurt anyone that day...although I personally think using that particular word could also be used to indicate that you were on the verge of losing it with someone.
I think you could expand on this if you wanted to. Tell us more about the Nicole relationship before it soured, and then the feelings as she came up on the porch and what made you snap. I think, though, even if you make this a little longer, keeping the scene with the parents small is a good idea. I think it's obviously vitally important, but I also don't want it overshadowing the teenage angst/fear/confusion you portray nicely.
Louise
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