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Post by saburcat on Mar 9, 2019 19:31:47 GMT
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Post by moll22 on Mar 9, 2019 23:07:02 GMT
I related to your disclaimer at the beginning, asserting how you identify yourself. It reminds me of the debates in disability circles about person-first language--I am a person with a disability--versus identity-first language--I am a disabled person. Many are now shifting to identity first, to emphasize that the identity of being disabled shouldn't be considered taboo. The point is, how you identify yourself is a personal choice, not an outsider's. The line makes me wonder if you've argued with people about it. If so, maybe you could include some interactions you've had with others about your assertion.
Your word choice really pulled me in to your sense of self-awareness. "Usually. Sometimes." What an effective way to show your perspective as you offer an account of yourself. I tied this back to your opening lines: "This is no longer a way to relax after a long day of work. Or a short day of work. Or a day of fun. Or a day of boredom. Or any day."
I loved that you included the cat, Sabur in the scene. Your pet was there both at the low of "licking vomit off the black leather" and to "sniff at your feet" before going for the food bowl. It's a good way to show that this may be a familiar scene for the cat, but they'll still check on you.
You related the mishap with leaving the oven on to the detail about avoiding the word blackout well - great visual.
I appreciate your courage in sharing, Louise. Thank you.
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Post by lynneheins on Mar 12, 2019 21:19:39 GMT
Louise
So interesting how you went from narrative paragraphs with “she”. To “I” . Things I thought were inventive: The splash zone
On page three you show us your challenge with alcohol when you have one line dialogue. Usually, sometimes. The short sentences are the way people talk. The 200 degree oven.the cookie sheet and aluminum lid of pan……is that just to show your drunken carelessness? I have never used asterisks in my writing as you have . How do you decide when to do that?
Lynne
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Post by Vicki Mayk on Mar 14, 2019 1:48:05 GMT
Louise – this piece is so strong. It’s good enough to work on and submit somewhere. One thing you should look at is the ending. We have that sense that you have reached a turning point with your drinking. You’ve already established that at the beginning when you write “This is no longer a way to relax after a long day of work. Or a short day of work. Or a day of fun. Or a day of boredom. Or any day.” And it’s hinted at when you awaken/come to and realize the oven is on and you have no idea why. When you turn the oven off and don’t thrown away the lid because something might catch on fire – I want something a bit more there that will tie the end of the piece to “it’s no longer a way….” Is deciding to avoid the fire a reflect a decision not to want to self-destruct? Maybe saying something like She’s no longer willing to destroy her life and everything in it. Or maybe that’s not what you’re trying to say – but I’m wanting that closure here. (Although it’s ok to leave your reader wanting closure, as long as that is your intent.)
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