shar8
New Member
Posts: 11
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Post by shar8 on Mar 9, 2019 15:39:58 GMT
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Post by moll22 on Mar 9, 2019 18:50:17 GMT
Shar, I loved the way you opened by sharing the small talk dialogue with your Dad. Small talk is difficult to get through sometimes, particularly when you're dealing with a traumatic event on your own. The line "How could she find the words?" is a great way to introduce the turmoil you felt inside, amidst the talk of baseball games and fun family trips.
You gave great sensory details about your uncle to tell the reader what you felt in your interaction with him. Describing what you smelled from him portrayed that he was invading your space. When you wrote that "she expected to see Joyce back home from her part-time bakery job" at the door, it further explains how jarring it was to see someone else." The details you gave about ripping the bow off your new outfit gives the reader a sense of how everything good that you expected from the trip was torn and permanently changed--ruined.
I liked your decision to write in the third person. Besides perhaps making it easier to describe the story, it made it easier for any one who has been sexually assaulted to relate to, linking it to the sentiments of the #metoo movement.
Beautiful way to express a terrible life-altering experience. Thank you for your courage to share.
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shar8
New Member
Posts: 11
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Post by shar8 on Mar 10, 2019 17:23:00 GMT
Mollie - thank you so very much for your comments and kind words. Yes, I found it much easier to write about it in the third person and was happy that Vicki gave us that option.
Again, I appreciate your comments!
Sharon
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linz
New Member
Posts: 23
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Post by linz on Mar 11, 2019 15:13:35 GMT
Sharon,
This story took courage to tell and I hope you find some healing in writing about it. I had a creepy uncle too (although not to this extent) so I can relate.
Your details about your Dad not liking driving in the city are great. Dialogue is appropriate, reserved and putting on a brave front. Detail about requesting to skip the picnic is telling.
The assault details, close breath, probing rough hands are effective and horrific. The blue calico twin bed is a great symbol of your innocence.
Threatening to scream is excellent thinking. Glad you had the presence of mind to do that. Maybe insert a sentence about your uncle leaving the bedroom in a sheepish way, skulking.
The description of the green polka dot summer outfit and the way you discarded it is super powerful.
It's insane the way women take the blame for these attacks; I know I would have done precisely what you did because I was taught to "not make waves." Sick.
Excellent job!
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Post by lynneheins on Mar 12, 2019 21:14:41 GMT
Sharon,
I like the dialogue at the beginning of your piece and especially how Shar communicates her feelings through her dialogue and body language, This is a strong piece. Did you purposely make the choice of using the pronouns he, she etc. to pull yourself away as narrator? Did you experiment with I , or were the gender pronouns just where the piece led you? The references to pre-teen music choices really embellish the characters and setting.
The word fine on page 2 has perfect timing. I also like one-word sentences for emphasis- Forever. Saving the bows…wow! A pre-teen would do that. I wish it hadn’t ended with self- blame and permanent ugly memory. Did you think about a more reflective ending? Endings are so tough!
Lynne
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Post by saburcat on Mar 28, 2019 16:46:04 GMT
Sharon, it's always incredibly difficult to share things like this. Your strength at writing about it is inspiring. I'm often very honest in my own writing, but that doesn't mean it's easy. I know how hard it is. But I tell myself that even if I just help one person realize they aren't alone, or they aren't a freak, then I'm doing my job. This is a great piece, setting up the reveal of what happened very well. We know something is going on with her, and the request not to go to the family gathering the next weekend foreshadows what we're going to learn. And the scene of staring at the outfit and then tearing it up and throwing it away...while keeping those little bows. Just like the knowledge of what happened is being shoved into a dark place in her heart, the bows are being shoved in a dark place. I, of course, wonder if this is the first time this story has been told, or how else narrator dealt with it in the future. I want more but I also like the brevity of this.
Louise
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