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Post by moll22 on Mar 8, 2019 3:57:45 GMT
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Post by Vicki Mayk on Mar 14, 2019 1:52:04 GMT
Mollie, I applaud your willingness to explore the family dynamics that you talk about in this piece. In my private comments to you, we've talked about this and I'm glad you want to work on this more for Week 4. Here's one suggestion I had for you the rest of the class may benefit from hearing: When you talk about the clashes between your father and sister, it would be good to step out and write about one as an example in more detail. This would be a good time to use dialogue to show them exchanging heated words. It would be showing us, instead of just telling us, what used to happen.
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maura
New Member
Posts: 19
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Post by maura on Mar 16, 2019 0:11:35 GMT
Hi Mollie. I appreciated the honesty of your piece. I really like the passage ' “I don’t even know if I have the right to talk to anyone about my family,” I cried. “Of course you do. Your feelings are valid. Let a counselor help you sort them out. Your mental health is more important than homework assignment deadlines,” my professor offered. It's relatable because easy to get caught up in family dynamics and not put self-care first. I like how your honesty with your sister strengthened you relationship. The contrast between your relationship with your sister as children versus as adults is nicely explored. I understood how your story about looking for your sister at school connected to speaking with your counselor, but I think it might be good to go into more detail to bridge that more.
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Post by saburcat on Mar 28, 2019 17:53:38 GMT
Mollie,
This is a great piece. You do a great job of showing us how you struggled with this knowledge, what it meant to your family and your fears on how people would act and react to it. You show us your relationship to your older sister and your love for her, as well as your struggles with the tension in the family. I think there are places you can give us more, like being 7 and looking for her...what was the room like, did everything and everyone seem so much larger, your fear not knowing where she was, the relief once you found her. I think that particular experience connects well to her being deployed...after all, in the same sense you had a general idea where she was/would be (school/Iraq) but had no idea whether she was safe. I think if you wanted, you could also go into detail about how you supported each other when your other family members were deployed (although maybe that's another piece). You get across well your feelings of not knowing what to do once you find out--uncertainty whether you should say something to her, uncertainty whether you had a right to be upset, etc. I sensed your confusion and concern through what you wrote.
Louise
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