ginny
New Member
Posts: 20
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Post by ginny on Mar 3, 2019 14:53:22 GMT
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Post by adadio on Mar 3, 2019 20:31:11 GMT
The number theme that I am totally digging here is the relating back to taking of pictures to remember the details. I am a huge "picture of the day" kind of person. I scrapbook and love taking pictures and then adding words to bring emotion and meaning to the picture. Love this concept and how you brought it throughout the piece. Great job in the first paragraph taking one piece of the story and then using it throughout the piece. Totally worked.
Loved this part: There was, sometimes, value in a capture. Sometimes holding something for later, looking at it again, seeing it differently allows the exhibit to become new evidence.
I think reflection is a key to self awareness which is something I strive for and I love. And being able to capture a moment to reflect back on later is huge in the progression of a self aware life. Golden!
Some points I wondered about:
In this part: “He was in two car accidents. Two different deer ran into him” …“If he wanted drugs, they’re all over the house” and as she lifted his eyelid before she left “You were supposed to be the healthy one.”
Why did the mom think he was suppose to be the healthy one? Was the daughter sickly at birth? Was the son a favored child? Why? I want to know more here.
In this part: “Can you take a picture?” she asked “I want to show him later what he looked like here.” Who is she asking?
In this part: Though it was late February, her mother handed her a bag of Christmas presents ...there is a story here in this sentence. What is it? And why does it pertain to this event. is giving presents late part of the mom's personality? Did they not meet at Christmas? What is going on here?
Great sentence: There was no mention by anyone of a drug overdose, though it ran underneath what she thought was said.
In this part: she watched a part of herself leave…the part that was him. Why is he a part of her? I get that he is her brother but there is an emotional undertone here that implies a very close relationship. Maybe give some more background as to the closeness of their relationship and why she felt a part of her was leaving.
Scott the best friend is mentioned but no other names are given. I would like to know more about these people. Why is Scott the one calling and not the parents. There needs to be more information about the people and their personalities.
Overall this is a great start. And I know you said it is a rough draft. More info and this will be fantastic. Thank you for sharing!
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Post by patricia on Mar 7, 2019 21:00:27 GMT
"There was, sometimes, value in a capture. Sometimes holding something for later, looking at it again, seeing it differently allows the exhibit to become new evidence."
I like how this line harks back to the beginning of this sketch, with the students looking at the prison art exhibit. And exhibit now takes on a new meaning: Exhibit A, evidence.
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Post by saburcat on Mar 9, 2019 16:58:01 GMT
I love, love, love how you bring lines from the first section in to the other sections. It's a reminder that as we are dealing with the bad things in our lives, our lives still go on...and how intertwined everything is. It also shows how these words and terms and lines can have different meaning depending on the context. And, the last line in the first section, "'The first thing I see are the bars,'" is something that resonates throughout the rest of the piece - the bars of the prisoners whose art they're looking at, the bars that keep the animals inside the Philly Zoo, but also the bars of the addiction to drugs, or the bars of being connected to family, or the bars of what we're dealing with internally.
In the third section you write, "Her stomach drop grew larger than it had been to that point in the morning." This confuses me. I know what she's trying to explain, how that gut-punch of emotions is getting worse/larger the closer she gets to the hospital, but I don't know that it's very clear in that line. I think too because we don't see that wording used earlier, we don't necessarily connect to it immediately...I think if you mention in that second section, during her reaction to the news, about her stomach drop...or however you describe that feeling...then bringing it back in here will be more natural (I know the feeling of anticipatory horror she's going through, and how it grows and grows until you get to the person or place where you'll see for yourself what's going on, or finally get answers...and you build that feeling up well throughout this piece).
We get a quick look at her relationship with her parents (or at least her mother) with "Though it was late February, her mother handed her a bag of Christmas presents as they made their way in and advised, 'he doesn't look good.'" Like...who the F thinks, "Oh, let me grab those Xmas presents I never sent my daughter," when she's rushing out to see her possibly-dying son? It's a great way of showing me what kind of woman the mother in one short sentence. And my assumption about the mother is then strengthened when the mother shows up again: "'He was in two car accidents. Two different deer ran into him'...'If he wanted drugs, they're all over the house,' and as she lifted his eyelid before she left, 'You were supposed to be the healthy one.'" There is SO MUCH to unpack in that little bit...the mother obviously doesn't want to face the fact that this is a drug overdose, and not of the prescription variety (I assume based on the earlier comment about the track marks). And that's understandable, to a point...but denial won't change where her son is. And that last part, "'You were supposed to be the healthy one'" - it doesn't SEEM too bad, really, if the narrator has been sick herself, but based on everything else the mother has done or said up to this point, I feel like it's obvious that she doesn't prefer the daughter.
"With her parents gone, she settled back into her size." That doesn't quite work for me...it does tie back in to the earlier line, "She'd need to be bigger to compensate for his littleness, at least while her parents were here,' but I feel like there should be a few more references to the size, that her being bigger helps protect him in some way (WAS she larger than him in real life, or was he larger, but looks so much smaller under all the medical stuff, or did the drug use make him lose weight...is there a way to bring that in as well? I don't want it to be forced into the piece, but since she's trying to protect him in a way, I feel you could bring in quick references to it throughout the piece without it being too much.)
It's such a heartbreaking piece, but it's beautifully written.
Louise
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