Rance_Week 2

[moll22]

Rance_Week 2.docx (132.43 KB)

[ginny]

Thanks for sharing this, Mollie!

To start, there are a few lines and sections that stood out to me...
The first line that grabbed me: "Dad and I talked briefly about the empty highways before I drifted back to sleep"-- This may be something you could capture in dialogue, if you'd like.
I also loved this line: "My father returned to me with the Girls’ Life magazine I had been waiting for in the mail"-- what a lovely image that says SO much...the idea that this surgery marked a potential turning point and the magazine about a girls life-- one you were trying to harness-- was at the hospital before it had arrived at home. Great!
The sensory detail in this section is especially strong: "The leg brace that was perfectly molded for my right leg would no longer be necessary. Its hinges clicked loudly with every step I took. My mother and I worked every morning to squeeze the brace inside my shoe before school. It forced my heel to touch the ground because my muscles refused to do it naturally"-- You may wish to bring in some more sounds. When you do, I thought the reader's ability to connect to the description was enhanced.
These lines: "My heel would hit the ground on its own, no matter what my brain told it to do. I looked forward to losing the weight of the brace." -- particularly, for me, how 'heel' hear also made me think about 'heal' and the literal and metaphoric 'weight' of that brace.

I do think you could bring us into more of a sense of what this scene meant/means to you...I was especially curious about your reflections with the other kids. That may be something you could elaborate on, even possibly by using Vicki's other prompt as a way to get to the meaning -- look at it as a child and then look at this again through an adult lens.

I look forward to reading more of your work!

[adadio]

This piece is full of rich details and paints a picture that is easy to see and also gives good details to help the reader understand the thoughts and emotions of the girl as she heads to surgery.

This sentence: My father felt the jolt of caffeine early to keep alert. This is confusing. He felt the caffeine "early" Earlier than he expected to? How does the daughter know that he felt it? Does he say that?
This sentence: I knew it would be weeks before I’d roam free; months with the pain of recovery behind me. The second part of this sentence is confusing. Do you mean to say "months before the pain of recovery would be behind me?

There are times where I find it hard to remember specific details but still want to mention something about it. I like how you did that here: If she explained to me what it was for, the memory escapes me.

Nausea alerted me of my returned conscious state. Great transition...we have all woken up with nausea. Very easy to picture this. This paragraph in totality is really good and drives home the feelings of this moment.

with casts cemented to limbs ...love this visual!!

as if illness should have the height requirement of an amusement park...again fabulous imagery and gives a feeling of how the girl feels bout what is going on around her.

The lip gloss of the girl on the cover made her smile as bright as the green and red wrapping paper on the gifts she held...maybe mention that this was the Christmas issue. I had to reread this sentence several times to understand what she meant.

Great sentence: “Great! Let’s try walking down the hall,” a nurse suggested, as if the act would take the same toll on both of us... a bit of sarcastic humor that helps me to empathize with the girl.

I enjoyed this piece for many reasons. It gave great details that helped explain the situation, why the girl was having surgery and her inner feelings as to what was happening to her. Thank you!

[moll22]

I appreciate the feedback. Good insights for me to think about in revision. Thank you both!

[patricia]

I like the way your story began while traveling to the hospital in the car, with your dad driving. This expertly conveyed your approximate age and the feeling of not being in control of the situation, but rather in the care of parents and later, hospital personnel. Your scene setting in the OR was excellent, as well as in the pediatrics ward. It was interesting how you were able to naturally empathize with the younger patients and to pray for them, perhaps getting your mind off of your own pain. The way you described your brace and the pain in the various tendons reminded me of my trips to doctors with my niece who had muscular dystrophy and endured many surgeries. I liked how your dad thoughtfully brought you that Girls Life magazine.

[saburcat]

Your first paragraph really drew me in immediately, and reminded me of my own trip to get my first hip replacement in 2016...I didn't have that far to go, but my father took me, so I connected immediately. It's a great set-up for the rest of the piece; the sleepy town, sleepy you, slowly awakening as the sun rose.

You describe the pre-op prep so well, the "nurse snapped a hospital bracelet on my wrist;" the question about not eating, the scary anticipation of "I wanted to walk off with him. I knew it would be weeks before I'd roam free; months with the pain of recovery behind me" - all that takes me right back to my own surgery...and although we learn a little later that you're only 14 years old here, how you describe all this makes you seem older, more experienced...especially when you start worrying about all the OTHER kids there for various surgeries. Waking up from the anesthesia too...the pale face, how slowly your senses return, the taste of bile...waking from surgery, for me, is almost worse than the anticipation leading up to it. You want to hold yourself together but you're so disoriented...and you describe that so well here.

I usually like to get a sense of age earlier on, but where you have this in here works for me. I wasn't picturing a teenager as I read up to this point, although the "Girls' Life" magazine was a clue that you were younger...at least not an adult. But I didn't feel like I missed anything not knowing your age sooner. And then, since your age is important here because you're using it to reference the other kids in the room, my heart kind of skipped a little reading about those other kids; about all the terrible reasons they're there. I love, "These kids are too young to endure the pains of major illness or injury, as if illness should have the height requirement of an amusement park," that is SUCH a good line.

The explanation of your surgery is succinct and easy to follow. I did want to know if you had had any other procedures before this one; if there was anything else they tried to do, aside from using the brace. I think if you wanted to expand this, you could bring in a section about wearing the brace, how it made you feel, how long you'd been wearing it, if you felt different around other kids or if you just accepted that this was something you needed.

More great imagery: "noise of ailments around us," "when my infant brother demonstrated the power of his lungs," "I prayed that these pains were ones of healing for her." It's difficult, as an adult, to remind yourself that the pain after surgery and of recovery is a good thing, that it's a reminder that you're getting better and, as you say, pain-free days are in the future; but how do you explain that to a toddler? This shows how you were wise beyond your years at 14.

I wanted a cleared transition at the end from hospital to home. I wasn't sure how long you had to stay in the hospital before you could go home. I know it's at least one night, and that you had to walk those two laps to get the OK to go home, but I wasn't sure how long this all took. I also love the line, "...a nurse suggested, as if the act would take the same toll on both of us," it reminds me of how I wanted to hit the PT people with my walker when they were working with me. LOL. So you do a great job connecting to a reader who has experienced surgery themselves (at least, you did with this reader).

Great piece!
Louise

[moll22]

Thank you again! I decided to try to describe the patients around me a bit rather than reveal that I had the surgery done at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia.

The fear I described about not waking up stems from a story I heard about not waking up within a normal amount of time from a surgery I had when I was two. I believe the amount of anesthesia I was given was off. The surgery in this piece was the only procedure I remember, besides the process of getting fitted for a brace. I was diagnosed with cerebral palsy at 18 months when I started physical therapy.

The transitions are rough because I only wrote what I remembered. In revision, I’ll remember to add small details to help the flow.