Alex Week 2

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Week two writing assignment.docx (14.27 KB)

[ginny]

Beautiful... thank you for sharing this piece with the group. A few thoughts should you decide to continue and/or revise this particular piece:

(1) I like the wheel idea to start. I do think to make it more effective you might want to try to bring that image into the piece a bit more. I like that you bring the Wheel of Fortune in, as that helps remind us of this image. Perhaps even bring in the wheel as it relates to the circle of life once we, as readers, become aware of this space as a place where mourning occurs.
(2) The final line of the piece-- phew-- it is gorgeous. I almost wonder if you might want to bring it in sooner. Perhaps this kind of a transition (if rewrite suggestions aren't something you like, please let me know...I know some people find them helpful and other people REALLY don't like when people do it):
"The center part of a wagon wheel-- the part the wooden spokes feed in to-- is called a hub. It is the center and the stabilizer of the whole wheel. Everything swirls around the hub, everything leads to the hub. It's the heart.
My Aunt Joanne’s living room is this center...this heart. All the rooms, all the people, all the conversation centers and stabilizes within that living room where I have felt and known family, sorrow, joy and most importantly, love. It is the 'visiting' place."

I look forward to reading more of your work and maybe even getting to see how this particular piece develops.

[moll22]

I love that you describe the intricate details of Aunt Joanne's living room, and I agree that the wagon metaphor is a good introduction to the heart of the room. Your description of your aunt as a true Southern matriarch has me curious! I have a few friends from the South, so I've heard a few details about Southern culture, but I'd love to hear more about the Southern culture in your aunt.

You show an attention to detail in describing the room: with the white ("used to be") floors, and the worn down chair that may give road rash, and you do well to tap into memory to describe the emotional scenes in the room, mourning your father, listening to your aunt's nurse stories from the '50s. If you wanted to expand the piece, I think you could focus on one of these scenes, with the detail of the room weaved throughout.

Looking forward to reading more!

[maura]

This piece has such rich character. The first paragraph reads like a poem, which I really liked. What a great way to describe the "hub" of your Aunt Joanne's living room. The setting is really powerful here. Even if you haven't been to the South, you will get great a sense of it. I like that the writing reflects that too "She loves you and will love you hard" has a poignant colloquial sound to it. The interesting thing is that you don't physically describe your aunt, but describe the intricacies of her home and personality, and I can get a really vivid picture of her. The descriptions of her home reminded me of my paternal grandparents' house that was (unintentionally) retro, with some uncomfortable furniture, also with many toys they had collected over the years, and was a place that had many layers of life, love, and family. What a beautiful line about your father at the end.

I'd love to read more about your family and Itawamba County (the name reminded me a little of William Faulkner's Yoknapatawpha County, though his is fictional).

[saburcat]

The beginning with the wagon wheel and the hub pulls me in immediately and tells me that you are going to be talking about a hub in your life. I think you could continue with that visual throughout the piece, or at least come back to it at the end.

In the section that begins, "If you were to sit in her living room..." I like the way you choose to describe everything based on where to sit. That if you sit on the couches you can see the birds or the TV; how you can sit on the linoleum and what it looks like; or the brick fireplace with the collection of oil lamps...instead of just describing all these things as though one is looking at a picture or standing in one spot in the room, I like the way the reader moves with you around the room.

You do the same with describing Joanne and things that occurred in that living room. The things you learned or experience in that living room are varied, and I think it works as you have it now, or if you wanted to expand it you could go into more details. But I think that last line, "I have felt and known family, sorrow, joy, and most importantly, love" really wraps up everything you've talked about this room so far.

Louise

[lynneheins]

Alex,
I do wonder how this would sound as a poem as Maura said is the “tone” – not that a narrative is not powerfully effective. Switching genre is a challenge ( not for all ) but you’ve got the ingredients here: emotion, very vivid images, metaphor, voice. Etc.
I had not noticed that the reader/writer moves around the room. So effective and I’d probably catch it on more readings. I do feel like you are somewhat an observer when you use 2nd person ( I think that what it is)…you… The whole piece has a warmth, a nostalgia, evolving just as one would as they sit and observe a room that has so much personal meaning. I too, feel like the wheel image could be picked up elsewhere ( hard to do), perhaps because it is in your strong beginning. It is almost expected by the reader. In my opinion, the skill would be to not overdo its reoccurrence. Better not at all, rather than too much. The image can stand alone because it is “linking” and it is a difficult metaphor to sprinkle in.

What I’ve learned from you Alex. I’d like to try that around the room immersion with some pieces I’ve written in the past that are descriptive. Very Creative.


Lynne