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Post by saburcat on Mar 2, 2019 20:29:05 GMT
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Post by adadio on Mar 3, 2019 18:23:38 GMT
I truly appreciated your ability to describe your own discomfort in a hospital. It added an understanding of how difficult it must have been to be in a hospital for you.
The descriptive elements about your grandfather's personality are wonderful and bring depth to the piece. I would have like to have known more.
I also really loved how you described wondering what would happen at the end. I think those are all questions that people have about death and to hear someone else write those words "outloud" is comforting in its own way and adds humanity to the piece.
Why did he stay with his "bitch of a wife". Was that the grandmother that in the end says "At least he went peacefully"? Maybe connect those two pieces with something. I was intrigued by this part of the piece and wanted to know more.
I don't understand the first line. Maybe add a bit more at the beginning or at the end of why you laugh about this now and who laughs about it.
Your reaction at the end...was he dead before you walked in the room? Or Were you upset because he died faster than you thought he would. I wasn't clear on the line "He's already dead".
A great piece with lots of descriptive elements and a lots of parts that moved me and I was intrigued by!
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Post by moll22 on Mar 3, 2019 22:24:25 GMT
Hi D. Louise!
Your vivid descriptions of what you smelled in the hospital work well for this scene! (Have you ever seen the show Six Feet Under? The technical aspects of death are described in much the same way). Your description of how your clothes looked was a good way to show that you were in the middle of painting and dropped what you were doing to rush over to the hospital.
I think if you wanted to expand the piece you could describe your grandfather's relationship to his wife to show how he responded to her. The same for the other people in the room. Were they there purely out of family obligation, or did they want to be there? The childhood memories you describe of him gave me a good sense of your own relationship with him.
I like how your opening sentence "we laugh about it now" ties into the last, "I burst into tears" because the way you described the process of dying makes your confusion about your grandfather's state tragic, with a twinge of self-deprecating humor.
Can't wait to read more of your pieces!
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shar8
New Member
Posts: 11
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Post by shar8 on Mar 4, 2019 16:27:54 GMT
Hi Dale - Anyone who has experienced the hospital death of a loved one could relate to your vivid descriptions and feelings so well expressed here. I was right in the room with you as you wrote about your thoughts and observations. You captured your grandfather's personality and it was clear that you had a great deal of love for him. I also was a bit confused by the ending. I wasn't sure if he died right then OR had passed right before you entered the room. But, overall, I was very moved by the entire piece.
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Post by saburcat on Mar 6, 2019 21:56:20 GMT
He died before I got to the hospital, so he was already gone when I walked into the room, but I didn't know that. It's why we laugh about it now; my mom says the look on my face was priceless (heartbreaking, but priceless). And the "bitch of a wife" was his one and only wife, my grandmother, and that "bitch" is my perspective...so I should probably work on that or take it out since it's not about how I feel about her, it's about that moment in the room with my (dead) grandfather. Thank you for your feedback! Louise I truly appreciated your ability to describe your own discomfort in a hospital. It added an understanding of how difficult it must have been to be in a hospital for you. The descriptive elements about your grandfather's personality are wonderful and bring depth to the piece. I would have like to have known more. I also really loved how you described wondering what would happen at the end. I think those are all questions that people have about death and to hear someone else write those words "outloud" is comforting in its own way and adds humanity to the piece. Why did he stay with his "bitch of a wife". Was that the grandmother that in the end says "At least he went peacefully"? Maybe connect those two pieces with something. I was intrigued by this part of the piece and wanted to know more. I don't understand the first line. Maybe add a bit more at the beginning or at the end of why you laugh about this now and who laughs about it. Your reaction at the end...was he dead before you walked in the room? Or Were you upset because he died faster than you thought he would. I wasn't clear on the line "He's already dead". A great piece with lots of descriptive elements and a lots of parts that moved me and I was intrigued by! |
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Post by saburcat on Mar 6, 2019 21:57:38 GMT
He was dead before I got into his room, but I didn't know that. I thought I was waiting for him to pass on, when it slowly came to me that he was already gone. So I'll definitely work on clearly that up. Thank you so much! Louise Hi Dale - Anyone who has experienced the hospital death of a loved one could relate to your vivid descriptions and feelings so well expressed here. I was right in the room with you as you wrote about your thoughts and observations. You captured your grandfather's personality and it was clear that you had a great deal of love for him. I also was a bit confused by the ending. I wasn't sure if he died right then OR had passed right before you entered the room. But, overall, I was very moved by the entire piece. |
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maura
New Member
Posts: 19
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Post by maura on Mar 7, 2019 1:24:55 GMT
Wow! I got a chill when reading this. I lost my grandmother recently, and was able to be there on that last day. I related to the grotesqueness of the hospital and the realities of death that coexist with the sense of loss. It's realistic that you say " I had been painting the TV room when my mother called. “It won’t be long,” she probably said. Or perhaps, “It’s time, why don’t you come in?” because often we don't remember exactly what was said, but we do remember the emotion. Time distorts things- "We laugh about it now." I can understand this because there's a lot of tragedy that later we find (dark) humor. I am right there with you at the and when you're scowling and find out the truth, which hit me as a harsh surprise. Really bold and brave piece.
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Post by lynneheins on Mar 7, 2019 20:09:14 GMT
How do you define voice? The voice in your “piece” is young. That comes out mostly in the last 12 lines or so, ending with your exclamation. “ already dead.” The short description of Poppy where you cover the highlights of his life ( from your point of view): Mc Donald’s, Japanese cars , son-cancer and wife of 40 years. That is very concise and powerful. Your images are authentic: oversized sweats, tee shirt, paint dotting your hair. ………….a great visual beginning that brings the reader a sense of comfort, even though a death is predicted. The hospital smells- smalls are hard to describe but you have.
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Post by patricia on Mar 8, 2019 0:30:39 GMT
Did you coin the word "shitrus"? I haven't heard it before. Yes, your descriptions are spot on and also the sense of time passing. Being called so abruptly, and then dropping everything to go straight there only to see that he's already passed: this hits me as realistic, bluntly so. The way the visitors are poised in the hospital room. So many senses involved here. You captured personal characteristics with brevity of description.
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Post by saburcat on Mar 9, 2019 16:36:44 GMT
I cannot claim ownership of "shitrus," LOL. I've never seen it written anywhere, but I've heard others use the term before. It's funny though; a few days ago I used peppermint oil on my face for my sinuses, but then discovered a cat had pooped and it stank the place up...but I could only smell the poop through the peppermint...it was very weird, and I was trying to figure out how to describe it..."poopermint?" LMAO. Did you coin the word "shitrus"? I haven't heard it before. Yes, your descriptions are spot on and also the sense of time passing. Being called so abruptly, and then dropping everything to go straight there only to see that he's already passed: this hits me as realistic, bluntly so. The way the visitors are poised in the hospital room. So many senses involved here. You captured personal characteristics with brevity of description. |
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