Sepela_Week Two

[linz]

Week 2.docx (17.52 KB)

[adadio]

There are a lot of wonderful descriptive elements in this piece. Really made it easy to "see" what was going on. Well done! 

The quotes from the doctors and other people help to personalize the story.

I appreciate the description of your then husband's reaction to childbirth and it helps to also add a bit of suspense to the story and makes me want to know more about his story and his involvement and what happened with him.

I feel as if the first paragraph where you are describing having the baby coming into the room should be somewhere else in the piece.  Maybe at the end.  Or if you wanted to keep it at the beginning, maybe do a transition sentence so that the two paragraphs flow into each other better? I had to take a minute to realize that the second paragraph was before you had had the baby. 


Did you drive yourself to the hospital?  Why? Maybe tell more about that? I wanted to know more. 


This first couple of sentences in this paragraph seem out of place. paragraph is somewhat confusing:

Our son arrives via an emergency c-section at 3:40 am. I become a mom in the

wee hours after the OB doc tells me to “get some sleep; we’ll try again in the morning.”

A little after 3:00 am, the baby is in distress. Pitocen has lowered his heart rate, his

amniotic fluid has dried up and the nurse has awakened the sleeping doctor. The OB

doc studies the strip of graph paper coming out of the prenatal heart monitor and tells 
me, “there’s no way around it, Linds. We’ve got to do a c section.”


Maybe switch the sentences around? Like this:

The OB doc tells me to “get some sleep; we’ll try again in the morning.” A little after 3:00 am, the baby is in distress. Pitocen has lowered his heart rate, his

amniotic fluid has dried up and the nurse has awakened the sleeping doctor. The OB doc studies the strip of graph paper coming out of the prenatal heart monitor and tells me, “there’s no way around it, Linds. We’ve got to do a c section.” Then tell the part about the operating room and end with the beginning sentences below: 

Our son arrives via an emergency c-section at 3:40 am. I become a mom in the wee hours. 

Overall I enjoyed this piece very much and appreciated how many descriptive elements that you put into your piece.  It was so easy to imagine all of this happening.  I had a very similar experience with my three boys births and I enjoyed hearing about another woman's experience. I also like how you brought in details such as your love of fall and your dad's initial and his diagnosis with Alzheimers's.  IT rounded out the piece and brought in so many touches of life.  Great job! 

[maura]

This is so vivid with detail! It really communicates how momentous of an occasion it is. There are so many emotions going on. The line "He’s sporting a snug knit cap, striped pink and blue. And he is
chubby; wrapped in a tight white blanket, he’s shaped like a caterpillar." reminded me of the cute 80s toy Glow Worm. The doctors' dialogue is great too. I especially like " I overhear one of the busy OB doctors mention
that lots of babies are flying out under the harvest moon’s spell." I can picture this. I like the mention of Murphy Brown's baby since TV often depicts something unrealistic-in comparison to our own lives.

I would just pay attention to some of the tenses. Such as the when you get the C section "Our son arrives via an emergency c-section at 3:40 am. I become a mom in the
wee hours after the OB doc tells me to “get some sleep; we’ll try again in the morning.” At first I though you's already had it.

I like the element of surprise about your baby's gender, and wonder if it would be better to reveal that at the end?

Wonderful piece!

[lynneheins]

Sepela,

I have decided I love verbs and want to catch them in a jar like lightning bugs. In your piece about the birth of your son I will bottle: spied, tickled, stir urges. It is interesting that your beginning is after the birth of your son, and then you move into sort of a backstory. The transition is so smooth. All hands down, the five lines that begin this paragraph are a plethora to the senses:

Color: worn brown pink green. Pumpkin

Taste: coffee, pie, ice cream, creme cheese, cinnamon

Touch: sipping, smooth, crisp.



And then the last line…………..”befitting to become a Mom. Wow!

[saburcat]

Having never had a child, I do not have any experience with childbirth or any of it's trappings. You do a great job of telling this story without boring the reader or adding in gross details that would turn me off (obviously, this is a very personal opinion; others might love reading about the ew-y details of giving birth, lol).

I like the way you break up the time line: starting with bringing your new son into the room, and then going back to the morning before he was born. I love the imagery of him "sporting a snug knit cap, striped pink and blue. And he is chubby; wrapped in a tight white blanket, he's shaped like a caterpillar," and then later calling him "Fat Caterpillar" (I have a cat whose nickname is Fat Banana, so this made me laugh).

The list of pumpkin-related things is great, and although I was at first confused by the "70 degree day," since you clearly state that it's October, I just realized it was one of those rare warm October days. Then explaining how your doctor (using "OB doc" didn't work for me...I think you should use 'obstetrician,' or 'doctor' when you refer to him (her?) and maybe use the "OB doc" once or twice) told you that you were going to have a six pound girl. Since we know you had a boy, I expected a much more emotional response when he pops out and you find out it's a boy; your parents also don't seem too surprised that it's a boy and not a girl - did you have a pink bedroom waiting for him? Pink clothes from a baby shower? I think the fact that you had a boy and not the girl you expected could be a larger part of this piece.

Two weeks late! Agh! My great-niece is two days late right now and we're all a bunch of nerves. I would have liked more of a transition from you sipping your coffee to being in the car on the Expressway...did the doctor just call you and say, "OK, get in here, we're dragging that kid out whether it wants to come out or not," or did you know that today was the day you were going to go in to have the kid? I like the line, "My then-husband Bill..." because it tells me he won't be your husband any more someday. Then you mention, "both of our moms are relaxing; cackling over a Kentucky Fried Chicken commercial on TV," but after the baby is born you "telephone my parents to share the news." I'm assuming that since you were sitting around in labor for so long that your mom and his mom finally went home, but I didn't see that, so it confused me somewhat. I think you can just note that people were in and out over these long hours you were waiting (including that husband who failed the baby class, lol). I also wasn't sure how you could see what the doctor was doing if they had that screen up (great visual too, "raised like a badminton net"). Did it just not hide what it was supposed to very well?

The ending works well, calling your parents and their delight at having a grandson instead of granddaughter (although I still feel there would have been more reaction to that switcheroo). And the little detail, "...my dad, recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's..." is heartbreaking, but then his joy at it being a boy...it's very heartfelt.

Louise