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Post by patricia on Feb 24, 2019 2:25:27 GMT
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maura
New Member
Posts: 19
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Post by maura on Mar 1, 2019 2:05:58 GMT
Pat, your prose is really poetic. I like that a lot. There are a lot of great sensory details, and I feel like I am right there with you in the first two pieces. Especially when speaking about hunger. Everyone experiences hunger, but it can be all-encompassing when you don't have a solution in sight. So the way you tied the search for the oranges into a prayer really emphasized that. I'd really like to read more, and see the various college stories come together.
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Post by saburcat on Mar 2, 2019 16:36:32 GMT
Hello, Patricia! I really enjoyed your work. There was a poetic lyricism that flowed through, even in the prose pieces. In "Oranges", I wondered who "you" was, and it was not brought back in so I wasn't sure it this was part of something larger that you had in mind. I personally am a big fan of second person when it's done well, and I think you could use second person if you expanded this piece (of course, I'm not sure who the "you" is, so it might not work, but it could be something to play with). Also (an aside) I saw a nickel on the ground yesterday and thought of you and oranges immediately!
"Ponder" reminded me of Donna Tartt's "The Secret History;" have you ever read it? Not sure if it's something you'd like or not (Tartt can be challenging, although at least "The Secret History" has a resolution at the end, unlike her first novel, "The Little Friend," which I like very much but it's super frustrating. Anyway, there's a character in there who is a poor college student and at one point lives in an unheated room and nearly freezes to death. "Ponder" reminded me of that story. Anyway, you have a voice throughout all the pieces that is quite distinct, and I very much found it pulling me in. In one section, you write, "It turned out that at my college, commuters sounded successful, but some were actually dirt-broke students with no families." I wasn't sure what you meant by "commuters sounded successful." I think it's the "successful" I'm struggling with...what exactly is "successful" in this piece? Having a home, a car, a job, family support? All the things you don't have? I think you can expand what you imagine commuters had before you became one and then learned that many of them were actually just poor, struggling kids like yourself. I think if you expand this piece, you could compare what life really was like as a commuter to what you thought a commuter's life was like. How you saw them as a resident versus what you learned once you became one.
Also, LOVE Bertha. You could do an entire essay on her alone (assuming you have enough material, which I'm assuming you do). I did want to know why you were sleeping on the school psychiatrist's couch the week before graduation...did Bertha finally toss you out? Did she learn how to lock the back door? Did you just get tired of her eyeball?
"Volunteer asparagus" - at first I was suspicious of this line, but then as I reread the piece I think it fits beautifully. As though the asparagus is volunteering itself to you, because it knows you are hungry.
Poetry isn't usually my thing but I really enjoyed the two poems you have in here. I don't know if it matters or not, but I was somewhat confused as to the narrator of "Aubergine August," if it was you or someone else. I assumed it was you, as this is a memoir workshop, but also realize it doesn't have to be. You get Stella's personality across really, really well in such a short piece.
"White Space Like a Pillow for My Eyes" is also beautiful. I like how the second stanza is the assignment of the first, but everything just flows so well.
Louise
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