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Post by deniseweaver on Feb 23, 2019 19:02:35 GMT
DeniseWeaver Week One assignment |
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Post by moll22 on Feb 24, 2019 21:40:35 GMT
I loved the line "My mother's voice had the snip of exasperation evident" because it's so relatable for kids to identify with that tone in a parent's voice. Your mother could sense the terror in you about the water. When you added that she had physically turned from you, it added to the sense that she, as a strong swimmer, wanted to dismiss the terror from your mind. I think if you described your sense of terror more, it would add to your very poignant and traumatic memory.
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maura
New Member
Posts: 19
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Post by maura on Mar 1, 2019 2:35:35 GMT
This is fantastic! The opening lines made me nervous because I knew something intense was going on. I could really relate because I was usually the kid that was being urged to do something "fun" that I was afraid of. You capture that uncertain child vantage point really well. There's all this frenzy around you and no one seems to understand. Also, the fear of the "deep and dark" water is very primal and well expressed. Great ending too!
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Post by saburcat on Mar 2, 2019 18:45:42 GMT
Hello, Denise! When I first started reading this, for whatever reason I thought you were being pressured to do drugs, and then when I got to the part where you said it's your family I was like, "what the hell is her family trying to get her to do drugs for?!?" Then I saw your age. LOL. I have no idea why my brain went in that direction. Anyway, I think you did a great job slowly building up to the main incident. Showing the pressure from your family not just in what they say, but in how easily they take to the water builds the anticipation. There are some places you could tighten up, like, "I wanted to please her, to please my aunts, to join in th efun, so I agreed to float on the inner tube, that round rubber doughnut-like ring filled with air, no longer needed for some tire from the farm or my dad's garage." It's a good image, that the inner tube isn't a store-bought one, but an actual tire inner tube, so I like that detail, but the sentence itself seems a little wordy.
"My mother's urgency to get me in the water so that she could also join in the fun..." I want to see her urgency...how does she hurry you to the water's edge, what does she say to get you to get in the water? The next paragraph where you describe her holding you as she enters the water and steadies you on the inner tube is good. And the line that your mother says to you, "'now just relax and have some fun for once,'" speaks volumes about what you were like at this point as a child...at least how your mother viewed you..."have some fun for once," that "for once" is a biting indictment of your lack-of-fun character and at age four or five, it seems awfully caustic for a mother to say that to such a young child. So all that speaks to a family dynamic you don't go into.
When I was about 11 or 12, I was at a lake in Washington and we were warning that about 40 feet out, there was a ledge and the group would drop out from under our feet. I could sort of swim, but I wasn't very good at it and had little upper-body strength, so I was usually careful when I ventured out to use my feet to make sure there was still firm ground under them. Once, however, I was kind of dog-paddling and when I reached my feet down to the earth under the water, there was none! I immediately began panicking but because I was 11 or 12 I didn't want to cause a scene or embarrass myself, so I just frantically kept dog-paddling to try and get myself back to where I could feel land. Eventually I did, but it was a harrowing few minutes and I was completely drained of energy. So your description of sliding into the water and going under took me immediately back to that moment (odd, now that I think about it, that that was what I thought of while reading this and not the time I got caught in a wave in the ocean and thought I was going to die). Anyway, my point is that your writing evoked that memory and feeling in me immediately and I could sense your panic as you were under the water. I would like to see more of you actually under the water...how did the inner tube feel as you tried grasping on, was the water cold or warm, did it fill your mouth or nose, did you flail at all or did it all happen so fast that you just kind of let the water pull you under?
I also like the way you end it, although did your mother learn HER lesson in this? Was she just relieved that she grabbed you in time, or did she blame you for going under in the first place? Lots of places you could go with that (especially if you wrote more about your relationship with your mother...although I obviously have no idea what kind of relationship you did have with her, but just a thought.
Louise
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