maura
New Member
Posts: 19
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Post by maura on Feb 23, 2019 18:44:29 GMT
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ginny
New Member
Posts: 20
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Post by ginny on Feb 24, 2019 18:35:46 GMT
Love it! I'm wondering if maybe in the intro, you could take out some of the word density. There's a degree of space between the writing and the reader that I think you could close some. As an example (and if this type of feedback isn't something you like, please do let me know) perhaps something like this as the intro:
--Like the mounting unpleasantness in my ten-year old life, the bright red spot appeared on the tip of my nose unwelcome, unexpected, and convincing me I'd done something wrong. Neither my mother nor my brother noticed the zit at breakfast as I crunched cereal with Good Morning America droning on from the TV.--
You could also shoot to bring in some of the dialogue a bit earlier, perhaps.
I also found myself wondering (I did make this suggestion to another writer in feedback today) if writing in present tense would allow you to bring some more detail in, including your own thoughts as dialogue...allowing some characterization the 10 year old to emerge.
This scene is SO rich with meaning and reflection and characterization. Great choice of material. I look forward to reading more.
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Post by saburcat on Mar 2, 2019 19:23:33 GMT
Hello, Maura! You do such a beautiful job with this, with showing your emotions, how people treat you, the connection between the zit and your "blemished life," the way you believe that you must be bad if something bad has happened to you...all at such a young age! Ten! I wanted to smack your mother and beat that nun (sorry, Lol). So obviously, your piece evoked emotion in me as a reader. You use the theme of the zit as a blemish and how you view yourself as a blemish yourself very well throughout this. The line, "There was always a reason something bad happened to you, and it was usually your fault," - my note next to this says, "wow, cynical for a ten year old!" And it really, really is...to think that this natural bodily reaction is because you've been a bad person...it's just heartbreaking. TEN!!!
OK, sorry. It's just that your young age makes all of this even worse. The way your mother treats you, the way the Sister does (I had no idea what "Sr" meant at first, so you might want to call her "Sister Delores" the first time you mention her, just for clarity); these adults who are supposed to protect and educate you, and all they do is belittle you.
I was happy to see you had a friend in Maureen, even though for a moment she was bitchy, but then she embraces your and your zit and you joke about it. She was a bright little light, even if she was a little mean at first (it seemed more of a typical teenager reaction than a desire to be mean). I'd love to see more of your relationship with Maureen. And the end of your convo with her, "'Do boys still like your cousin?' I asked her. 'No, not really,'" made me literally laugh out loud. I mean, there could be so many other reason boys don't like her, but your ten-year-old self hangs it all on the zit.
I also liked that the other kids didn't really notice your zit that first day at school. It reminds me of my own zits back in the day (I'd always have that one bright red one blasting out from my nose or cheek or chin) and how I expected to get crap for them, but that no one else really cared...I mean, we all got them at some point. The only kids who might get bullied for their acne were the ones who had the really, really bad kind. Which doesn't mean they should have been bullied, just that the regular zit stuff seemed to be an accepted part of teenager-hood (as you note), even if it was unwanted.
I think you could probably write a whole essay on that nun. She sounds like a truly horrible human being.
I did notice you use the word "thankfully" quite a bit. Just something to keep in mind as you edit and revise.
I enjoyed this!
Louise
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